>From The Onion:
NEW YORK—With the Dow Jones Industrial Average dipping below 12,200 at lunchtime today, floor trader Michael Campos, 24, is making an extraordinary personal effort to bring the index over the top before the closing bell later this afternoon.Enlarge Image
Campos leads an impromptu wave in hopes of getting telecommunications giant AT&T's stock price up.
"C'mon, show some pride out there for God's sake," Campos said from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. "What the hell is wrong with you? Hey, Johnson & Johnson, put a little heart into it!"
Though the Dow Jones, comprising 30 of the largest and most widely held public companies in the United States, fluctuates based on external market forces such as supply and demand, Campos said the Dow can overcome any obstacle if it "just shows the will and determination" to do so.
"Forget those rumors that OPEC will cut production by 1 million barrels a day, and just remember that what matters is what's in here," Campos said, pounding an open palm against his chest. "This is crunch time. Now let's show those chumps why we're the number one stock-market index in the world."
"That's what I'm talking about!" Campos added with a fist pump after seeing Proctor and Gamble Co.'s value jump a half point. "P&G's got the fire. How about the rest of you, huh? Where's the energy? You all have to be hitting on all cylinders, not just one or two of you."
"Don't get down, do not get down," he added. "Plenty of time left. Plenty of time."
Despite Campos' insistence that the Dow just needs a little boost before the closing bell to regain some much-needed confidence, Solomon Smith Barney financial analyst Troy McGrory said a late-afternoon rally was unlikely.
"With several technology companies failing to live up to forecast projections, and the Labor Department reporting a larger than expected jump in core wholesale inflation, it's shaping up to be a tough day for the index," he said. "I don't see how the Dow can pull itself out of this kind of slump."
But Campos, a recent graduate of McMaster University's Degroote School of Business, said he doesn't want to hear excuses.